Questions

Through all the trials I have experienced in my life I have never questioned my faith.  Rejections, set backs, sorrow, disapointments, deaths, especially my sister-in-laws, I have always dealt pretty well with it all. 

I'm a Mormon.  I grew up thinking and desiring that as soon as I graduated high school I'd do the Molly Mormon thing and get married right away, stay at home, have babies, wake up early to cook my husband breakfast and fix his lunches for work.  I wanted to clean house, quilt, change diapers, stay up all night with my babies, take perfect family photographs, and fulfill my church callings with perfection.

What of any of that has come true?

Some of it...

I look at all these young couples that just seem to have it together.  They find their returned missionaries, do a little of the school thing, decide to have a baby - have a baby, and just scoot right into that role.

Lately, I've questioned things - everything. 

Where's my baby?  I'm kind of over these kids saying, "Oh, we struggled to have our baby..."  Oh, yeah!  That six months was really hard, huh?  I'm kind of over these kids telling everyone how difficult their pregnancies were, how tired they are because their babies were up all night, how stressed they are, how miserable they are, and how... everything they are!

I'll trade you my easy, normal days.

Every single one.

I was taught that if I lived righteously I would be given the righteous desires of my heart.  Yeah... Really?  Not only did I have to wait 10 years for my husband, but now I'm having to wait for a baby?  Really?

I've lived righteously - not perfectly - but righteously.

I don't feel like I ask for much, but what I do ask for... I'd really like.

Why do these people who kill their babies, torture their babies, neglect, abandon, and shun their babies GET their babies?!  Why?

Can anyone answer that question? 

I know life isn't fair - but, this isn't fair!

I just want a baby!  I want those sleepless nights!  I want all that!

Please and Thank You

Ava and I have been going through a bit of struggle; nothing within our marriage.  In the struggle I have started to become angry and bitter.  I sometimes feel like I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want anyone to encourage me with Gospel-esque advise.  I wanted to retreat into my home with my husband and wallow in self-pity, looking at all the "blessed" couple and be miserable.


Having such feeling was comfortable at first.  "I know the feelings," I said to myself.  "I've been here before."  Sometimes a comfort zone can be uncomfortable, but its familiar.  You know what happens there and you've created way of dealing with it - and at least you think you have.


A member of our Branch Presidency emailed me a copy of a speech by F. Enzio Busche.  It was a speech he gave at BYU on May 14, 1996.  So far, in this speech, he hasn't addressed anything specific about "This is what to do to be happy..." or anything like that.  So far, and I'm only at the beginning of the fourth page out of 8 - so a bit past half way.  He has only spoken of having the spirit with us always to guide us in - guess what - EVERYTHING!


There's a piece of a paragraph I'd like to share:


"The Spirit is a divine entity.  It therefore gives the ultimate example of politeness."


I've never thought of the Spirit as polite - or given it/him any "real" human characteristics because we learn that the Spirit does not have a body (yet, anyway). 


He goes on to say: "I will not intrude into our lives.  It will not force itself into our lives except under circumstances in which we may endanger our salvation - for instance, by breaking a covenant."


I can testify of this.  I have found myself in the pits of despair, begging for someone to hold out their hand to me to offer help, but not uttering a word - hoping that the Spirit would discern to THEM what I needed! 


I found myself just the other day thanking multiple people.  For random things.  I was truly grateful for these things, but the Spirit, I felt, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing?"


"I don't know.  What are you doing?"


"Look at yourself.  What are you doing?"


Wow.  The Spirit did not force itself/himself in when I obviously didn't invite it.  But it did step in when I was [thinking about] breaking a covenant. 


Brother Busche quotes D&C 76:47 which says, "I, the Lord, show it [the torments of hell] by vision unto many, but straightway shut it up again."  Then he goes on to say:


"[The Holy Ghost] can only become an active part of our lives when we become aware of it dormant state and develop in our souls a desire to awaken the Spirit to life."


There must be opposition in all things...

I want "everyone" reading this blog to know that I share many very personal, somewhat private feelings here. I honestly use this blog as a quick journaling tool. It is a lot faster for me to type, and a bit less painful, as well.

Ava and I were invited to spend Christmas at my sister and brother-in-laws home. We asked to stay the night the night before, and therefore, were going to be a part of their Christmas Eve pj & The Polar Express tradition. Some days being surrounded by a pack of kids is just what I need to make it to the next day, but sometimes seeing a baby makes me plain ol' angry. This night, the heart break of not being able to carry a baby further than 7 weeks or so slapped me in the face and kicked me in the shins.

I needed a moment - or maybe several hours until the crowd left - to try to keep myself together.

I was followed. I was told that it was my weight that kept me from experiencing the bearing of children. True. To some extent, anyway. I was also told that it was my weight that kept my back in such pain all the time. Maybe. Or it could be the fact that I literally busted my back caring for my 80+ year old, bed-ridden Grandfather, and that my weight simply exacerbates it. I was also told that it was my weight that kept intimate moments - not so intimate. Wow. What a blow. I know, without a doubt, that my weight causes many to... think. To put it nicely.

Then the next day to be told by another person that it was my weight that kept them from being able to tickle me without me hurting. Yeah, maybe. But, I really don't like to be tickled. Regardless of my back.

I am angry. I am angry at mothers and fathers, especially mothers, who are blessed with babies - and then complain about the sleepless nights. I am angry that mothers complain about the hyperactivity. I am angry with the mothers who loose their patience so easily. I am angry at the mothers who place other things/activities/people about their children. Why have you been blessed with a child? Why have you been blessed with children? I would just like one. Just one.

Stop complaining. Stop whining. I'll trade my nights for yours. In a heart beat.

Kaysi

Around Homecoming time in my Senior year of high school I called an ad that was in the Peddler for free rat terrier puppies. When I got there..., let's just say they weren't rat terrier puppies. Regardless of the breed I feel in love with a very timid black and white female puppy. The owner had to crawl under most of his house to get her. And when we got her home she spent the first two weeks or so under the front porch steps.

This little puppy became my best friend. She was everything to me. She was my best friend.

Monday, September 29, 2014 (three days before her 14th birthday) she took her last breath.

I miss her every single day.

Push Pause

I remember being a young kid playing Nintendo with my siblings and having to use the restroom so bad that I dance the tee-tee dance. We all got really good at it! The thing to say when it got to be an emergency was "push pause." We'd jump up, run to the bathroom, take care of business, and run back to finish the game.

I graduated in May with my Associates in Teaching. There's not much I can do with that except teach Jump Start to Pre-K levels. The plan was to go straight into the Teaching program and at Lamar that I was accepted into in April. Long story short, I pushed pause.

Angelina spoiled me. Lamar, apparently, doesn't spoil. I'll start in the Spring. I started working part-time at a local funeral home. I love it. I love the people I work with, the people I come in contact with, and extra income is nice. Its nice to help Ava out and to ease his burden.

He's made a lot of progress. He's accomplished every goal he's set for himself. Now to work on the new goals he has set.

I'm kind of not ready to push un-pause yet.

Jarom's Home!

What an awesome experience our family has had this week! These past two years, really, have been an experience. A wonderful, faith-building experience. We've laughed, we've cried, we've rejoiced, and we've worried. We wouldn't trade it for anything, and we know he wouldn't either.

Elder Odom's mission had been difficult. Typhoid, typhoid fever, E Coli, severe back pain, and possible intestinal parasites are only a short list of his "health" tribulations.

Elder Odom's mission had been miraculous. Countless baptisms, being spared for numerous typhoons, beautiful scenery, and heavenly people.

We initially received an itinerary for Elder Odom that would bring him home at the beginning of November. Heavenly Father planned differently and we had him come home on Tuesday, October 21st at 7:50pm. Most of our immediate family was able to attend, (Heber's family couldn't make it), along with Uncle Early Wayne and Aunt Linda and Colton and Garrett. We had our poster the Young Women made, along with "Hug Me First" signs Mom made for each of us. We gathered at the escalator the airport told us he'd come down. Our feet couldn't sit still, we went from teary eyes to big grins, kids giggled and jumped up and down. Ava walked around and found he had come down another set of stairs.

We made our way to him and had a nice reunion. His back hurt so back he was shuffling like an old man. He focused intently to when we spoke because he was having a hard time understand English. He had been traveling for twenty-two hours and awake for much more. He was tired. He was hungry and thirsty. But he was - he IS - home.!

We left Houston and travel to Beaumont to meet with Stake President Little to have him released. He met with Elder Odom alone first for a time, then invited us in. President Little allowed Elder Odom to share his testimony with us. He had changed so much. Then, President Little read Elder Odom's release certificate and asked that he remove his missionary name tag. That was a bitter sweet moment. The pain and the anguish in his face was so raw. He reached for it twice before, on the third attempt, he removed his name tag and again became Jarom.

He served well. He returned with honor. He made us proud. He made his Heavenly Father proud.

He left his family for two short years to help other families be together for an eternity.

Immigration

Recently I've seen several political pictures shared on Facebook concerning Immigration that disturb me. One of which is the "Press 1 for English. Press 2 to go home." Did you know that the United States of America does not have a national language? Did you know fellow Texans that because our area does have a "Press 2 for Spanish" option, whereas, in other areas, say FAR north, its "Press 2 for French?"

Don't get me wrong, my feelings about this was the same a couple of years ago. If you're coming to America, speak "American!" If you're coming to America, adopt our "American" ways! What is the American language? What are the American ways?

The American language, literally, is what ever language you already speak! The American way is, literally, the customs and traditions you already have! That's what makes America - America!

I used to be one of those ignorant people that said (loud and proud), "If you want to come to America - do it legally! Go through the proper channels!" Have you ever been through the proper immigration channels? I have! And I completely understand why so many are here illegally!

ITS SO EXPENSIVE! If you choose to NOT hire an immigration lawyer, which is totally fine, but I would suggest against it, the filing fees alone are $1500 (for about three sheets of paper)! That's not counting the at least two trips you'll make to the local immigration offices.

When one is coming into the United States of America the government asked for many things. They get "nosey", they get rude sometimes, they get haughty, etc. They look into your past and if you so much as sneeze with an accent they delay you, or worse, they send you "home" for pushing 2 for their language.

Do you find it frustrating trying to deal with a foreigner who may have trouble speaking the language? Do you think its not frustrating to come into a completely foreign country to be FREE to only have the government officials tell you what to do, what language to speak, having to deal with all the red tape?!

What happened to, "Give me your TIRED, your POOR,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Did you know that most illegal immigrants work harder than you, but make less than you, AND they send money to their families? Did you know that most illegal immigrants are living the American Dream just by doing this? While you're complaining about your Apple store running out of the new iPhone, these illegal immigrants are actually living BETTER than you - and you call it struggling!

Get over "British" selves and welcome in these poor, tired, homeless immigrants. Help them. Teach them. Love them. Don't cater to them. Don't tell them to go home - because they are home. And they had to pay a lot higher price than you'll ever have to worry about!