Strike Three!

Well, three miscarriages. But I made it further this time. Six weeks exactly.

I called my OB/GYN (that I can't see because I have no insurance and can't get Medicaid until I get a doctor confirmed positive test) and the nurse "quietly" told me to take folic acid and pre-natal vitamins. Even if I don't take the pre-natal vitamin to, for sure, take the folic acid.

I have PCOS. The last time my hormone levels were taken my testosterone levels were normal, but on the high side of normal. My female hormones weren't checked. But she feels that because I'm loosing my babies in the 4-6 week mark and making it further each time, that my progesterone levels are low and slowly, because of the pregnancies, rising.

Long story short. Folic Acid should help. And if it doesn't, when we get Ava's green card and he starts working at the prison and we get on insurance, then I'll go back to the doctor and we'll dive right into when ever we need to dive into.

Mixed emotions.

The Power of Suggestion

Most of the time I feel like I have a pretty level head on my shoulders. Then there are those other times that I feel completely nuts! I've been having pregnancy symptoms for a solid three weeks now. The nausea was unbearable for the first ten days or so, then slowly got better. The spells didn't last most of the day, the smells were getting easier to tolerate (or avoid), and I seemed to have found several ways to deal with the nausea when it did come.

I have wicket heartburn, am rediculously sleepy, running to the bathroom every fifteen minutes (literally) to pee, my parts aren't snug at the waistline, but they are snug, my "other" bathroom habit has changed (for the better on my part since I have no gallbladder), along with many other symptoms. Plus, I've missed a period!

According to my calculations, I should be about 6 1/2 weeks. Mom, and everyone else, has been begging me to take a pregnancy test. I've fought them until last night. I've had two miscarriages - the first one I actually got a positive result and after bleeding for a few days, retested and got a negative. I do not want to see another negative test, even if it was/will be a false negative. I want to have two missed periods under my belt (or in my womb!) before I even think about taking one. And after I think about it for another missed period, then I'll take one!

Anyway, so I took one. Negative.

I still feel "full," the heartburn is bad, I'm still feel sleep deprived, and the nausea is still the same! What is going on? And, still no period.

What is going on?!

I want a baby so bad!

I'm trying to trust in the Lord's timing. I need a countdown clock or something!

Pretty Flower

As all know, our area received a huge amount of rain over a several day period. After the skies cleared and the waters have begun to recede, then the lights choose to go out. Ava, Megan, and I are in our living room waiting for them to come back on. Ava gets up and goes to the bathroom to prepare for bed. Then I smell it! I ask Megan, "Do you smell that?"

She calmly says, "Maybe it was Ava. He did go to the bathroom."

"No. It smells like a skunk."

Jarom's dog, Shorty, has a habit of getting sprayed quite often. He has already been sprayed this week. At first I thought it was him and he was maybe sleeping on our steps and the smell was wafting in. I get up to get a drink and pass by the front door. A lot worse there. Then I made a mistake. I opened the door! Great googaly moogaly! It was really fresh! And it was right in our front yard!

I have only experienced the new skunk smell once before and I knew I didn't want to again. Epic defensive tool! Like, the best! Ever!

Well played Flower. Well played, indeed!

In Your Face Interface

THE key to a successful marriage?

In the 4 1/2 months I've been married to my Samoan Superman I've learned that clear and honest communication is THE key.

After continually builing our personal relationships with the Lord, building our relationships with our spouses is next in line.

Let me ask a question: If you and your partner were able to have sex, but were ordered not to, would your relationship last? Is your marriage founded on sex? Do you find that there is more contention between you when sex is few and far between, or non existent?

This is not a healthy relationship.

Draw a triangle. In the triangle draw some horizontal lines. In this spaces write what you know is the foundation of a healthy relationship and as you go higher the priority is less. Be honest. Don't write what you know, not what you feel or what your relationship has prioritized things.

Now, cut these strips and now arrange them how your marriage is, turning the pieces upside down. If your marriages is (pretty much) based on sex, place that strip of paper on the bottom and work your way up. Is your triangle wobbly, out of balance?

Fix it.

How?

Communicate honestly and clearly with your spouse. And work. I've learned that a marriage requires daily, hourly, minute-by-minutes, and second-by-second maintainance (I don't think I spelt that right).

When you're not with your spouse how can you maintain? Thoughts play a HUGE role. Don't let your mind wonder from your partner. Honor those covenants you made in your mind, too. Anything that drives your thoughts to "someone else" needs to go.

Do the opinions of other's do that? They can!

Talk to your sweety. Keep your sweety your sweety!

Choose your love. Love your choice.

Double Date

Ava and I have been asked to join a sweet couple for dinner this Thursday night! Our first group date as a married couple!

I've always loved this young man who has invited us. He's always been super sweet and very thoughtful. And now as our Branch's second councilor, he has become a humble man and a great teacher. His sweet wife is... super sweet! I love her so much!

I'm so excited to spend an evening with them and their glorious children!

Gratitude

We had our High Councilman from Buna to come speak to our Branch this past Sunday. Wow, did I ever need that! Brother Peterson (who reminded me of a young Pres. Eyring) spoke about gratitude. He gave many awesome quotes and humble stories of his humble missionary experiences in Russia.

What stuck out the most was his account of the Brother of Jared. In Ether 6 starting with verse 5 Moroni writes, "...that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land..."

Verse 6 says, "...mountain waves which broke upon them,...great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fiercesness of the wind."

Then Verse 8 says, "...the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land...they were driven forth before the wind."

Verses 6 and 7 tells us of the very trying experiences and hardships of their travels because of the wind. But in Verses 5 and 8 Moroni tells us that the Lord provided this great wind.

Why were they so tried? Why was their journey so hard? The were uncomfortable. The very thing that brought them to the promised land, was the very thing that gave them so much trouble. Or what they thought was trouble. They were just stretched a bit.

We humans have selfishness issues!

This is the WHY of why we need to be thankful for our trials. Not because they're hard and it humbles us and we can learn from them. That's great, but we need to be thankful because they were given to us by the Lord. Sometimes remembering that is really difficult.

What just makes me cry, continuing with story starts in Verse 9. "...they did sing praises,...he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord."

Verse 10 just slaps me in the face. Sometimes its the blessing we're given that we don't see that can get us in trouble. Because we're so ME focused. It says, "...they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above water or under the water."

Verse 11: "And thus they were driven forth..."

Verse 12: "And they did land upon the shore of the promised land." They were driven so hard and so fast BECAUSE they were righteous. They reached the promised land and obtained their blessings that much faster. What if they hadn't been so righteous? There could have been the best seas ever, but instead of taking 344 days, it could have been 688 or more days!

"And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord..."

"...because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them."

We can liken this experience to our lives. Our trials are quickly preparing us to receive blessings from our loving Father in Heaven. Blessings that could be held from us if we choose unrighteousness.

I need to remember these monsters of the sea that are being held back by the Lord so that these great tempests can carry me to my promised land faster. Isn't that what we all want? To be blessed NOW! Well, let the Lord bless you... NOW!

Endure the waves!

Enjoy the Journey!

On The Outside

I feel like I've always had the bad habit of comparing the progression of my life to the progession of other's lives.

I remember in 3rd grade, specifically, that multiplication wasn't clicking as fast as my classmates. Our teacher would play this Around the World game that pinned one classmate against the other and compared how fast you could give the answer to a random problem she gave. If student one and student two were up, who ever could give the correct answer first and would move on to student 3. The way to win the game was who ever made it around the world and back to their seat first won.

I maybe moved over one or two seats ever. Why couldn't I think as quickly as others. I knew my facts, I just couldn't get it out quick enough. It really made me very self-conscience.

In junior high all the girls had boyfriends. I didn't. In high school everyone seemed to advance quicker than me. I worked so hard to get the grades that I did, while it seemed others flew past me.

The harder part for me happened when my siblings and I started graduating. I've wanted nothing more than to get married right away, start my family, and sit in rocking chairs on the front porch with my husband in our old age, surrounded by our grandchildren. (Very cliche', sorry!)

I have no personal jealousy issues with anyone. And I wouldn't trade lives with them. (This may not make sense to you.) But I do have really bad jealousy issues with those who progress faster in the things I want.

Things got really bad when my siblings started to get married, then even worse when they started having their children. Like I said, I have no personal jealousy with them and I wouldn't trade my lives for theirs.

I am so thankful for my dear husband! Not a day goes by that I am not humbled to tears (literally, every. single. day.) that the Lord has blessed me with such a perfect fit. (Plus, he's such a hunk!)

You know when you want something you notice it EVERYWHERE?!

Everyone around me is having babies!

I've had two miscarriages. Then, two menstral cycles. Torture!

I've always lived my life in such a way that would allow the Lord the bless me without saying something like, "I'm going to keep this blessing from you because you did 'this'."

It seems that those who don't even try to do the right thing get blessed and are not thankful at all. They even complain about their "mess." Honey, I'd love your "mess!"

C.S. Lewis said something like, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Amen, brother.

I need to stop it!