Questions

Through all the trials I have experienced in my life I have never questioned my faith.  Rejections, set backs, sorrow, disapointments, deaths, especially my sister-in-laws, I have always dealt pretty well with it all. 

I'm a Mormon.  I grew up thinking and desiring that as soon as I graduated high school I'd do the Molly Mormon thing and get married right away, stay at home, have babies, wake up early to cook my husband breakfast and fix his lunches for work.  I wanted to clean house, quilt, change diapers, stay up all night with my babies, take perfect family photographs, and fulfill my church callings with perfection.

What of any of that has come true?

Some of it...

I look at all these young couples that just seem to have it together.  They find their returned missionaries, do a little of the school thing, decide to have a baby - have a baby, and just scoot right into that role.

Lately, I've questioned things - everything. 

Where's my baby?  I'm kind of over these kids saying, "Oh, we struggled to have our baby..."  Oh, yeah!  That six months was really hard, huh?  I'm kind of over these kids telling everyone how difficult their pregnancies were, how tired they are because their babies were up all night, how stressed they are, how miserable they are, and how... everything they are!

I'll trade you my easy, normal days.

Every single one.

I was taught that if I lived righteously I would be given the righteous desires of my heart.  Yeah... Really?  Not only did I have to wait 10 years for my husband, but now I'm having to wait for a baby?  Really?

I've lived righteously - not perfectly - but righteously.

I don't feel like I ask for much, but what I do ask for... I'd really like.

Why do these people who kill their babies, torture their babies, neglect, abandon, and shun their babies GET their babies?!  Why?

Can anyone answer that question? 

I know life isn't fair - but, this isn't fair!

I just want a baby!  I want those sleepless nights!  I want all that!

Please and Thank You

Ava and I have been going through a bit of struggle; nothing within our marriage.  In the struggle I have started to become angry and bitter.  I sometimes feel like I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want anyone to encourage me with Gospel-esque advise.  I wanted to retreat into my home with my husband and wallow in self-pity, looking at all the "blessed" couple and be miserable.


Having such feeling was comfortable at first.  "I know the feelings," I said to myself.  "I've been here before."  Sometimes a comfort zone can be uncomfortable, but its familiar.  You know what happens there and you've created way of dealing with it - and at least you think you have.


A member of our Branch Presidency emailed me a copy of a speech by F. Enzio Busche.  It was a speech he gave at BYU on May 14, 1996.  So far, in this speech, he hasn't addressed anything specific about "This is what to do to be happy..." or anything like that.  So far, and I'm only at the beginning of the fourth page out of 8 - so a bit past half way.  He has only spoken of having the spirit with us always to guide us in - guess what - EVERYTHING!


There's a piece of a paragraph I'd like to share:


"The Spirit is a divine entity.  It therefore gives the ultimate example of politeness."


I've never thought of the Spirit as polite - or given it/him any "real" human characteristics because we learn that the Spirit does not have a body (yet, anyway). 


He goes on to say: "I will not intrude into our lives.  It will not force itself into our lives except under circumstances in which we may endanger our salvation - for instance, by breaking a covenant."


I can testify of this.  I have found myself in the pits of despair, begging for someone to hold out their hand to me to offer help, but not uttering a word - hoping that the Spirit would discern to THEM what I needed! 


I found myself just the other day thanking multiple people.  For random things.  I was truly grateful for these things, but the Spirit, I felt, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What are you doing?"


"I don't know.  What are you doing?"


"Look at yourself.  What are you doing?"


Wow.  The Spirit did not force itself/himself in when I obviously didn't invite it.  But it did step in when I was [thinking about] breaking a covenant. 


Brother Busche quotes D&C 76:47 which says, "I, the Lord, show it [the torments of hell] by vision unto many, but straightway shut it up again."  Then he goes on to say:


"[The Holy Ghost] can only become an active part of our lives when we become aware of it dormant state and develop in our souls a desire to awaken the Spirit to life."


There must be opposition in all things...