Questions

Through all the trials I have experienced in my life I have never questioned my faith.  Rejections, set backs, sorrow, disapointments, deaths, especially my sister-in-laws, I have always dealt pretty well with it all. 

I'm a Mormon.  I grew up thinking and desiring that as soon as I graduated high school I'd do the Molly Mormon thing and get married right away, stay at home, have babies, wake up early to cook my husband breakfast and fix his lunches for work.  I wanted to clean house, quilt, change diapers, stay up all night with my babies, take perfect family photographs, and fulfill my church callings with perfection.

What of any of that has come true?

Some of it...

I look at all these young couples that just seem to have it together.  They find their returned missionaries, do a little of the school thing, decide to have a baby - have a baby, and just scoot right into that role.

Lately, I've questioned things - everything. 

Where's my baby?  I'm kind of over these kids saying, "Oh, we struggled to have our baby..."  Oh, yeah!  That six months was really hard, huh?  I'm kind of over these kids telling everyone how difficult their pregnancies were, how tired they are because their babies were up all night, how stressed they are, how miserable they are, and how... everything they are!

I'll trade you my easy, normal days.

Every single one.

I was taught that if I lived righteously I would be given the righteous desires of my heart.  Yeah... Really?  Not only did I have to wait 10 years for my husband, but now I'm having to wait for a baby?  Really?

I've lived righteously - not perfectly - but righteously.

I don't feel like I ask for much, but what I do ask for... I'd really like.

Why do these people who kill their babies, torture their babies, neglect, abandon, and shun their babies GET their babies?!  Why?

Can anyone answer that question? 

I know life isn't fair - but, this isn't fair!

I just want a baby!  I want those sleepless nights!  I want all that!