On The Outside

I feel like I've always had the bad habit of comparing the progression of my life to the progession of other's lives.

I remember in 3rd grade, specifically, that multiplication wasn't clicking as fast as my classmates. Our teacher would play this Around the World game that pinned one classmate against the other and compared how fast you could give the answer to a random problem she gave. If student one and student two were up, who ever could give the correct answer first and would move on to student 3. The way to win the game was who ever made it around the world and back to their seat first won.

I maybe moved over one or two seats ever. Why couldn't I think as quickly as others. I knew my facts, I just couldn't get it out quick enough. It really made me very self-conscience.

In junior high all the girls had boyfriends. I didn't. In high school everyone seemed to advance quicker than me. I worked so hard to get the grades that I did, while it seemed others flew past me.

The harder part for me happened when my siblings and I started graduating. I've wanted nothing more than to get married right away, start my family, and sit in rocking chairs on the front porch with my husband in our old age, surrounded by our grandchildren. (Very cliche', sorry!)

I have no personal jealousy issues with anyone. And I wouldn't trade lives with them. (This may not make sense to you.) But I do have really bad jealousy issues with those who progress faster in the things I want.

Things got really bad when my siblings started to get married, then even worse when they started having their children. Like I said, I have no personal jealousy with them and I wouldn't trade my lives for theirs.

I am so thankful for my dear husband! Not a day goes by that I am not humbled to tears (literally, every. single. day.) that the Lord has blessed me with such a perfect fit. (Plus, he's such a hunk!)

You know when you want something you notice it EVERYWHERE?!

Everyone around me is having babies!

I've had two miscarriages. Then, two menstral cycles. Torture!

I've always lived my life in such a way that would allow the Lord the bless me without saying something like, "I'm going to keep this blessing from you because you did 'this'."

It seems that those who don't even try to do the right thing get blessed and are not thankful at all. They even complain about their "mess." Honey, I'd love your "mess!"

C.S. Lewis said something like, "Comparison is the thief of joy."

Amen, brother.

I need to stop it!